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my previous post stated that i would no longer be posting on livejournal.... myspace is down and i dont know, i just dont feel as comfortable pushing what im currently feeling, onto that blog, like i do with this one.... i really need someone to talk to right now, why not let it be myself.... pouring my mind out through my fingertips and onto this screen.
i've made so many mistakes in my life, i've constantly looked back on them, telling myself i would never repeat them. sadly i have, over and over... its so frustrating and i just want to cry.
back when i lived in philly the first time, i was so very much in love with a girl, i didnt think anyone could ever take the place in my heart, she had captured. somehow, someway, i pushed it down... aside... i talked to this girl online, ALL the time, we would talk to each other about anything and everything. i felt so comfortable just talking to her about girls, myself, my fears, my pain, my problems.... everything and anything. we had some sort of a click there and over the time we talked, i was afraid to admit it, but i actually started falling for a girl whom i had never met, i felt like such a moron. she became my best friend.... the best friend i have ever had in my life. we met and i was so so nervous, i had butterflies in my stomach, i was nervous what she would think about me, i was afraid she wouldnt like me or i would do something stupid to send her running away. as the evening progressed, it was so comfortable, it felt so right to have this girl next to me, to look at her and feel this warm feeling inside, me being my quiet awkward antisocial and a gutless chicken, she made the first move.
during this time, i was sleeping with other girls, i felt good about my life, i didnt worry about shit, i enjoyed basically... every aspect of my life. during this time, there was a girl I was working with, who i was very much into, alas a wall stood in the path of us getting together, which was my roomate. He had told me how much he loved this girl and she meant so much to him and she would tell me... how they had a one night stand and she never really ever felt anything for him, she was drunk and it was a mistake. i did end up finding out she liked me as much as i liked her, we snuck around behind my roomates back.
during this time, basically... i was juggling 3 girls.
girl 1
girl 2
and girl 3
girl 3 i cared nothing about, it was nothing but a convient piece of ass and she was the only one kept in the dark.
girl 1 and 2 knew about each other and nothing was serious between either one.
one night, after i had turned 21, while having sex with girl 1 (K) i just blurted out "i love you"
i just looked at her, apologized and just was dumbstruck that, that had come out of my mouth.
moments passed.... and as i thought about it, i realized.... i do love this girl.... a part of me doesnt want to and i know i shouldnt.... you should run scott, run fucking fast as hell.... you only want the sex from this girl, thats all...... she looked at me, as this all was spinning through my head and told me she loved me too.
the funny thing, thinking back on it, i still kept juggling them and girl 1 knew
well.... one night, while hanging out with my roomate, various people from work, and girl 2 (M)
there was a drinking "Truth" game being played, or something along those lines. it was basically coming up, that M's friend, was egging on "who was the last person from work you slept with" and everyone had to go around the room and answer.... M and myself were sharing glances, I was biting my lip, wondering (as i sit next to my roomate) what to do.... i could feel my face getting redder and redder, i was panicing.... it came my turn, i said i plead the 5th (after my roomate had said, he had last slept with M (this was well over a year before)) it got around to M, she had said somebody elses name.... not mine.... another guy from work.... a guy across from me.... i just sat there, hurt.... so humiliated... so ashamed... feeling so fucking stupid and jealous and just full of anger.... and i didnt love this girl.... i liked her a lot though, but it wasnt even close to me blurting out "i love you" or anything.
we left, on the ride home, my roomate tells me..... there was another girl, i slept with recently.... but i didnt want to say who.... i tried to put the previous events out of mind and i egged him on, to tell me.
he told me.... girl #3's name.... again, i was floored.... he knew i didnt care about her, he knew i was juggling girl 1 and 3.... again, everything from before just hit me..... the funny thing being, the night he had slept with her, i was sleeping in the bed of girl #2.... we got back to the apartment, he made a sandwich as i sat there, just letting everything settle in my mind. i followed suit to make something myself, to help soak up the alcohol in my system. i remember it so clearly, he sat down on the couch in the living room, directly across from the counter where i was standing in the kitchen.... "Mike.... I have to tell you something"... he got the deer in headlights *oh shit, wtf is he going to say, whats he going to do* "i slept with M. (girl 2)". I think at this point, he dropped his sandwich in his lap and just stared at me... i heard a meak "i cant be in the same room as you right now" and he walked out... i grabbed my keys... drunk.... i got in my car and started driving.... i went to the house of the party we were at, i was going to tell her.... "there... i told him.... its not a secret anymore, it doesnt have to be hid anymore"..... i got there, to hear her and the guy laughing and nobody else was there anymore, so i left, driving more, thinking.... wondering what i had been doing and where things got messed up and how.... in the end, i was the one hurting.... not just hurt x1 but hurt x2 and thats why i had to tell him, he hurt me... even if girl 3 didnt mean shit, it hurt....
i dont really remember... but somewhere along the line, i think i called girl 1 (K) and we started talking again (we had stopped talking for a couple months and it would only be once and awhile, when we did talk)
from then on, we would see each other almost every weekend, or atleast every other weekend. more and more she made my head spin, she made my heart beat faster and faster as i was around her. she became a part of me and my life.... she did what i thought would never happen, she captured more of my heart, than cortney (the girl from philly). not long after we were together, i was hanging out with red and katie called me.... the conversation went something like this:
katie: "Scott, we need to talk"
(my mind immedtialy told me...... im tripping, im drunk, im getting dumped.... this is SO not the time for this)
me: "about......"
katie: "tonight at the bar..... there was this girl and we made out....."
(i had such a sigh of relief)
katie: "and i would be in a VERY HOT girls bed right now...... BUT...... i'm with you"
(do you realize.... the thoughts going through my head, the pain in my heart... i was crushed)
i hung up on her.... she called back immediatly, my friend Red answered the phone and he basically was the middle man, convincing me to talk to her..... if it wasnt for Red, i would have again been single at that point in time and would have reverted back to the person i had become just a few months prior, juggling girls and being a slut basically.
things progressed between us.... we had our ups and downs, mostly ups.... except when we went out, there would usually always be a fight, due to guys hitting on her....and her not telling them to fuck off
(this is actually depressing me further)
regardless.... xmas time came at some point while we were together (i think at this point and time we were living together) anyways, i went to her parents for xmas, we went to see a movie.... she pointed out that the girl working at the box office, was "THE girl".... it bothered me, we fought alittle... we made up.... we out with her friends.... about half way through the night, some girl is singing lyrics while staring at my girlfriend, the gist of the lyrics were involving something related to fucking the person.... some stupid ghetto club music, that i wasnt enjoying.... i just submerged myself into the very large fishbowl of yuengling for 1.50$ - this turned into a fight, she was returning the looks.... she wasnt stopping it.... eventually.... things got worse between us, we ended.
now while we lived together, my ex from philly and her friend came out, to see Alkaline Trio at Club Laga
it was good to see her, to talk to her..... there was a part of me though, that didnt want her to leave, that twisted up while we were together and talking and there was flirting and what not also
while out in philly this last time.... i wanted to get in touch with her badly (ive come to find out she has a boyfriend, so its probably best i hadnt) and her parents hated me (all parents seem to hate me, without even knowing me, fucking shallow people basing thier opinions on my apperance.... i might look like a asshole (ok i am one, but not to a girl i care about) and i may look like im straight out of a freak show.... but im a big fucking teddy bear... i loved their daughters, they hated me.....)
i suppose the whole meaning behind this post is.... things ended with cort when i turned 20.... ill be 24 in may.... so its been almost 4 years.... i love this girl still to this day and if she came back into my life under the right circumstances and told me she wanted to be with me........ ide do it....
even the fact that i loved this girl with all of my heart..... in comparison....
my love for cort VS my love for katie
my love for katie is stronger.... its not just somebody i loved to hang out with and somebody i loved.... she was my best friend also and cort wasnt that..... (she did treat me better than katie, except at the end.... more affectionate i mean)
i guess, based on all of this that im typing.... ive come to realize, i will never get over either of these girls and i will always wonder.... what if i wasnt a complete piece of shit that fucks things up.... what if i was something more.... what if i followed my dreams.... what if i followed my heart.... what if i followed my plans...... im alone.... im broke... im actually in debt.... im between places to live, thats MINE.... ive wanted to go to school for awhile and every time, i chicken out.... why..... i dont know what i want to do.... im afraid to fail at that, like everything else..... i miss my best friend
*sigh*
i miss feeling like somebody gives a shit about me in my life, because.... honestly.... i dont think anybody really does..... i often find myself wondering, if i died tomorrow.... who would miss me.... who would be at my funeral / viewing.... who would know.... who would care... how would these people, who ive cared about and who ive thought have cared about me in my life.... my past relationships, my friends from various places.... how would these people know i died.... if they found out.... would it effect their day, would they have their own what ifs and im sorrys.... fuck it.... who cares.... *alone* its something i need to become more accustomed to.... i need to relearn how to shut off my brain and stop thinking about shit so much.... i need new friends, ones that arent fake..... i need friends... who like me for me and who come to me, asking me to hang out.... asking me when we get to hang out again..... and as i think about this.... i realize.... heh.... my quiet antisocial behaviors..... people dont really like me
fuck it, this is the end of my story..... novel i should say....
gone......
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